The Ozeekian Manifesto
A letter to Earth, from one known (sometimes) as ..RALPH...

Greetings, Earth Creatures! I am Pelzar, Seventh Prince of the Ordissioners of Ztercon Five, for all the Ozeekian Empire and Sublying Regions of Space. You may call me RALPH. As you may well know, there has been many rumors about my disappearance, or even my actual existance. This interjection into your primitive "Information Superhighway" is an attempt to quietly re-assert my corporal being. Ozeekians are known for their gentle nature and modesty (no small feat, for such a powerful, grand and noble race such as ours), and as such this has taken several years to come to fruition. I apologize for the inconvenience.

After my introduction into your society approximately 10 'years' ago, I have seen many things take place. Although I have not been on this planet for very long, I have seen you achieve great things. I have watched your civilization grow from a tiny, insignificant speck on the interstellar scale of things, to a less-tiny, not-nearly-so-insignificant speck that the Ozeekian Imperial Fleet may have to watch out for in the coming millennia. I feel a certain pride in this civil and technological growth, for even if I am not a proud "parent", I am at least a proud "distant uncle whom you haven't seen in years but who is happy to see that you're doing well in whatever it is you do now."

I am amazed at your accomplishments. In these few short planetary orbits, your society has achieved many great things. From your popular advertisement slogans such as "Free Long Distance!" and "No Payments 'till August!" you show the ruthless efficiency and strong desire to bend others to your will. The content in both your public video transmissions and private "Theater" auditoriums displays a keen ability to distract and misinform. And with such common-usage lines as "need-to-know" and "I cannot answer that at this time," you demonstrate the ability of your entire civilization to carry fault and responsibility where it belongs... Somewhere else. If you do not destroy yourselves in the next few centuries (or pose a serious threat to our imperial power), you would be a welcome addition to the Council on Ztercon Five.

I was stranded here in the service of my Empire as an official figurehead of the Ozeekian Imperial Forces, and as a duly appointed representative of the O.I.F., I would be happy to welcome you into our systemic collaboration when the time has come. And when I have finally repaired my ship, and escape this miserable planet, I'll try to remember to write.

Yours, for as long as I'm still around, ..RALPH...

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Pay no attention to the man behind this web page. I am the Great and Magnificent Pelzar.

This is a work of fiction, and any resemblance to any persons is purely coincidental, or a parody. This is not to be taken as factual or representative of anyone or anything, except my own twisted and warped (and oddly bent) imagination.
This web page is (c) 2001, Karl Goodloe. All Rights Reserved.
Created September 11, 1999